“Yeah I was single for about a solid 6 months and I never realized how expensive lotion was until that time… I mean it was fun and all but the good lotion is like, over ten bucks.” Pete Davidson explained about 30 minutes into his standup routine as he waited for the audience to get his joke and the laughs started roaring across the crowd. “I did go out a lot to the clubs and stuff like that which is always cool but most people only go to places like that to find somebody to hook up with you know…which is why I was there too” he added, yielding an even larger reaction than before. “It tended to be hit or miss but I took a few girls home, not gonna lie and it was fine, nothing too special usually. But this one time…I guess I’d had too much to drink and I went home with this guy…” the 29 year old comedian enlightened to a mixture of confused laughter and oohs, surprising everyone listening because they knew him to be totally straight.

“I know I know; Pete’s straight. Is he coming out right now? Still straight, everybody but this dude was awesome. We were having this conversation at the bar about a little bit of everything and we had the same interests. It was almost scary; music, sports teams, and TV shows. I’d say it was around 11:30 and he offered for me to come hang out at his place and I was like wow, I made a new friend” Pete continued with a boyish grin as the intrigued audience giggled and hung onto every word of the story that could go several directions.

“So I went to his place and we played some video games, smoked some weed and we were just chilling like guys do; me and my new pal. He told me to get comfortable so of course I took my shoes off and he took his shirt off, beside me at this point. I somehow still wasn’t reading the situation. It was pretty chill really but I remember he kept looking at my feet which I found a little weird but I was way too crossfaded to care about what he was looking at” Pete continued with an anticipation-loaded crowd laughing at his drunken naivety. “He asked me what size they were and I told him 12 to which he responded; do you want a foot massage? And if you know me, you know I’m not crazy about having my feet touched but I do…love a massage so I figured what the hell, this guy is dope and I was so fucking relaxed so I said yeah” “I can’t say I have a lot of experience with foot massages but that shit felt SO damn good…” he explained with a goofy expression to illustrate how pleasurable the man’s hands were.

“I’m telling you he must’ve been a professional or something because damn. The way his hands easily glided all over my socks was so effortlessly smooth and even kind of cool. The next thing I know he starts taking my socks off and again, if you know me personally I’m not about having my feet out. You normally won’t catch me wearing flip flops or slides without socks so my stomach tightened a bit…I would normally cut that shit out right there. However…” he alluded with a deeper tone for effect, provoking excited laughter from the large room full of people now very invested in where this story was headed.

“I didn’t say anything and kept playing the Xbox while he started back working on my foot but it felt different this time without socks, more intimate than before. I mean, this random dude is rubbing my bare feet while I play his video games…on paper it sounds crazy but again, that shit felt incredible; too good to stop him. You know how the people on Food Network will add something random to their dish and you’re like no…that’s gonna be gross and then judges end up loving that shit? It felt like that. So, I just let him do what he wanted; the man knew what he was doing too.” Pete recalled with a smile. His mind was also reliving the evening as he retold it in his gig. He couldn’t forget how the strong fingers pressed into the center of his smooth slender sole, using both hands to manipulate the creamy flesh with his thumbs. The way the man took total control of his foot gave Pete a sense of release neither the weed nor alcohol could offer. He remembered seeing the face of his new pal and how wrapped up he was in the experience, indulging in the funny guy’s big goofy feet like he’d hit the jackpot.

The New Yorker could almost still feel the fingers pressing into and massaging his feet as he stood there on stage, making the retelling all the more accurate. “This went on for about ten minutes with him treating my probably sweaty feet like he was making pizza dough; just kneading and playing with them like he was having a fucking blast” Pete explained, watching the faces looking at him all with the same look of surprised amusement. “Finally he did something that kind of put me on alert, despite the amount of drinking and pot. He puts a few of my toes in his mouth…” Pete added with a smirk, hearing the shock and nervous laughs at his admission. “I know what you’re thinking; Pete why the hell didn’t you just leave? This guy is obviously gay, you’re not and he could be expecting you to go all the way with him. Don’t lead him on. Well, folks..my answer to that is if you haven’t had a guy who’s into feet suck on your toes YOU ARE MISSING OUT” the tall comedian assured with a convincing expression.

The sea of people erupted with the loudest response of the night at the bizarre, hilarious story, enjoying hearing the perspective of a young comedic guy in such a peculiar situation. “That shit felt like some type of magic; David Copperfield who? I bet he didn’t suck toes like that” Pete joked amidst the roaring. “It was the strangest and most pleasurable thing I’d encountered since a girl with lip injections gave me a blow job. You can’t make this shit up. He was treating my toes like a row of Jolly Ranchers the way he slurped on them. You would’ve thought I’d hypnotized him into thinking they were covered in chocolate or something. I have some long toes too so he must’ve not had much of a gag reflex. I mean he even practically made out with my big one, like he had a crush on it. I’m talking some serious French kissing tongue action” the charming comic continued with as much detail as he could. 

He actually hadn’t planned on telling this story but for some reason the memory had been in his head all day and he figured it would be interesting and original material the audience hadn’t heard from any other standup act. Pete recalled feeling like he was vibrating during the foot worship thanks to the drinks and weed mixed with the extreme sensations, exposing him to a new holistic high he’d fallen in love with. “He told me they tasted good too, like a soft, mild-aged cheese. I didn’t know how to take that at first; I’d never tasted another man’s toes to compare it to but I do like cheese…a lot. So, I took it as a compliment” Pete described with the crowd wrapped around his finger. “Now, I’m not telling you about my experience with foot worship to make fun of anyone who likes feet or anything like that; after all that I understand the appeal more than ever and to each his own but I’ll admit…it was out the box for me…like when Taco Bell put out breakfast; kind of weird uncharted territory but I ended up liking it” Pete compared, still keeping his audience’s full attention.

There wasn’t a person there whose face wasn’t hurting from smiling and laughing so hard, Pete’s delivery hitting just the right note among his fans. “So he kept going; back and forth between both feet and rubbing his nose along my soles, really taking them in with big whiffs which made me nervous because I know my feet had to smell some type of way but hey, cheesy is apparently good in this scenario so I tried not to stress about it. I just kept playing the game, still sort of drunk and my high was still kind of there but at one point I noticed something that freaked me out…” Pete explained, taking a pause to pan across the audience to survey the faces with his exaggerated eyes. Most of them looked like they already knew where he was going next but were still eager to hear his version. “The dude has his pants down…and he’s using his rock solid dick to- No, you fucking perverts!” Pete teased, interrupting his fake out. This got a loud response from everyone. “You thought he was jacking off didn’t you? Just a bunch of nasty people” he added with a smile, happy they’d followed his trail; it showed they were listening. 

“No haha, he’d started running his tongue between my toes now, not just back and forth but like a human Xylophone this time and that shit tickled like a mother fucker!” Davidson explained to another wild uproar. “The way it slithered like a fucking snake between each of them, wiggling and twisting around in there was absolutely fucking killer to me. You never think about how little the areas between your toes never get touched until they’re being cleaned out like a clogged drain by a random guy at 1 a.m.” he added with a laugh at his own retelling. “I mean I don’t get tickled very often or ever really get my feet touched so I couldn’t even play the Xbox after a couple minutes. I was too busy gripping the bean bag chair for dear life as he fucking devoured my, as it turns out, hella-ticklish foot. I didn’t even know I was so ticklish but damn…that was some Bond villain shit; straight evil. I should add that once I start laughing while I’ve smoked it’s pretty hard for me to stop so you could imagine me just dying…tears coming out soon enough as his mouth showed me how much of a little bitch I am” Pete explained with an authenticity the crowd seemed really entertained by.

“After a few minutes I started getting used to the feeling. It still tickled but it had become a tolerable tickling. I was doing alright until that sadistic asshole started nibbling on the side of my foot and my toes. I vividly remember squealing like a 16 year old girl who just got her first car for her birthday but like, she really didn’t know it was gonna happen so she’s actually shocked. I melted on that bean bag chair like I was Chris in Get Out and just totally fell apart, squealing and laughing uncontrollably while this man just kept fucking biting my big cheesy feet. I swear at one point a whole set of my toes was in his mouth and he was just gently grinding on them like he was at the fucking dentist; it was like a weird acid trip hallucination. Any bit of manliness I thought I had before that was obliterated by this man’s greedy-ass mouth” Pete confessed with a look of humored embarrassment on his face. “Some of you may think I’m being dramatic or whatever but go home and try it tonight with someone you may or even may not know…and tell me how insane it feels. I don’t care how much you bench or what level of degree you have, if you’re any kind of ticklish that shit will fuck you up!” Pete made clear with another zany expression the crowd just ate up.

“Now, this is the part where you’re gonna judge me. I probably would too if I were you but I’m me so I have to live with this in my long term memory, not you” he prefaced, the audience giggling at his reluctance to spill the rest of the story. “After he had tickled the hell out of my buzzed ass for I don’t know…maybe another 10 minutes and I was very close to peeing all over the bean bag, he stops and tells me he has a question.” The stands of people grew more silent than ever, very interested by now at what’d been teased. “I was like, if this dude asks me to marry him right now I can honestly say it wouldn’t be a definite no” Pete joked and the laughter returned. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind having somebody like him around when I felt like venturing back down that rabbit hole. After a basketball game or a long day…think about it. But no, he asks me if I can jerk him off…” Pete heard a mixture of laughter, gasps, and comments he couldn’t make out clearly. 

“So, to all of you sickos from earlier, you weren’t totally off base. In any other circumstance I would’ve been like hell no but…I’d let him get this far where he was ready to bust and I’d been playing his Xbox…it wasn’t like he wanted to bend me over, ya know. I could see the imprint of his dick through his jeans and honestly…I was flattered. Ya boy has some very sexy feet as it turns out.” Pete explained with a smirk and tilted head. The laughter in the room reached another high at his honesty of the event that he could’ve easily been taken a less amused way. “I was hesitant like you know man, I don’t think I can do that…trying to ease my way out of giving him a handy because I just wasn’t comfortable with it but then he told me something I wasn’t expecting. He said he wanted me to use my feet…and somehow that didn’t seem gay to me” Pete explained to an audience, now howling at this point.

“I mean what could it hurt, right?” Pete questioned with the crowd giggling and letting out surprised noises and some of them thinking he was tricking them again. “I’m not gonna give you guys the details but I soon knew the beauty of a pearl necklace like never before…shit, I got a pearl anklet…toe rings haha” he added with a chuckle at his own joke. “I didn’t really know what to say after that other than, “Can you believe how expensive lotion is??” The lovely audience was simply explosive with laughter at his lighthearted tale of delving into the world of foot fetishism and how he’d brought the whole thing full circle like a real pro. “I’m Pete Davidson and you guys have been great! Go suck some toes this week! Goodnight!”