“So, what’s the deal with this house, Phil? I mean, it’s gorgeous from the outside; why can’t they sell it?” Claire asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee that morning. “I’m not really sure yet. The foundation is great, the kitchen is modern, and I haven’t seen a single ghost roaming around” Phil answered, humoring himself with his own joke. “Well, I’m sure you’ll figure out the right angle to get it sold, honey. Any ideas on that?” “A few maybe…I think spending some more time in the house will inspire me a bit” “Don’t you have a showing today?” “Yep. A nice couple that just moved to town, Bobby and Lawrence” “Let’s hope they buy into the Phil Dunphy charm” Claire smiled. “Oh, baby you know it’s hard to resist the Phil Dunphy charm” Phil assured with a little dance at the counter. “Just don’t do that dance and you should be fine” Claire pointed out. 

Just as planned, Phil arrived at the house at 2 p.m. and did his usual check to make sure everything was as appealing as possible for the potential buyers. He finished up just in time for the door bell to ring, bringing him to the front door. “You must be Bobby and Lawrence! I’m Phil Dunphy; come on in” Phil invited and the attractive pair walked through the doorway to lay eyes on the place. “Wow, it smells great in here” Bobby pointed out. “I thought so too; I guess the house just has a natural scent” Phil suggested as if he hadn’t done it himself minutes earlier. 

“So, as you know the house was built about 10 years ago and hasn’t had any major issues; no leaks or structural problems. There’s a very nice school about five minutes away if you have kids, the hot tub outback is in perfect condition, and the roof was inspected last week with a great evaluation” Phil laid out as the pair of 30 somethings looked around. “That’s all really great to hear” Lawrence answered. “I love these high ceilings too” Bobby added. “Just don’t lose a balloon in here; it might be a goner” Phil joked, getting a friendly laugh from the potential buyers. 

“What are you thinking so far? Talk to me” Phil questioned. “Well, I think we both really like the place. I don’t see any major red flags but the price is a little steeper than we’d like” Bobby explained. “Ah, the price tag. I assure you the owners are reasonable and have left me with negotiating power to make sure both parties are satisfied” Phil assured with a confident smile. “That’s great. We saw online that there’s a basement?” Lawrence brought up. “Yes, there is. I think it’s right through this door” Phil deduced, having yet gone down himself, the one thing he’d managed to overlook before showing the house. 

“Just follow me” Phil instructed as he led the couple down the steps into the basement and quickly wished he would’ve checked it out before now. “Well…as you can see, the owners are very talented interior decorators” Phil halfway laughed as he studied the unusual space, surprised by the various pieces of strange furniture and neon lights accenting the walls. “It’s better than I thought it’d be” Bobby admitted as he and Lawrence looked around. “You’ve seen this basement before? I don’t remember there being pictures of it on the listing” Phil questioned with a stumble over his words. “I think we saw it when it was listed a few months ago on a different website” Lawrence explained. 

“Well, if this type of addition to the home is what sells you on it, fine by me” Phil nervously laughed, unsure how to pitch the kinky basement. It wasn’t exactly the usual fun extra like a book nook or sky light. “What would you call this type of basement, Phil? In real estate speak” Bobby asked. “Uh…I’m not totally sure if I’m being honest. An adult playroom maybe?” Phil laughed with obvious uncertainty as he eyed the benches, racks, and built-in cuffs surrounding him. “We could help you get a better idea of things if you want? Just in case we end up passing on it and it stays on the market” Lawrence suggested. 

“Oh, I don’t know, I mean, I think I get the gist of it” Phil nervously, politely declined. “Suit yourself. Maybe somebody will bite one of these days and take it off your hands…” Bobby added as he and Lawrence started drifting back toward the stairs. “Ok, sure, yeah…maybe a little explanation would help give me some insight on this…never bad to be educated on a listing” Phil changed his mind after sensing he was losing them. “You sure?” Bobby questioned. “Oh yeah! I’m always down to learn about the latest and greatest in ways to personalize your home” the 45 year old assured before Lawrence and Bobby looked around for a moment and landed on a particular piece of furniture to demonstrate for Phil. 

They helped him get his blazer off and Phil reluctantly took a seat at the middle of the Y-shaped apparatus before being guided into the right position until he was stretched out on his back. “Wow, this is heavy duty, huh?” he nervously asked as he felt the sleeves around his arms and legs tightening with each strap they secured. “This basement is a big reason we’re interested in this house; all of this is top tier stuff” Lawrence explained. “Right, I can see that…so, listen, I’m not sure exactly what happens on a piece of furniture like this but I’m married and I’m a dad and I’m not trying to do anything crazy today, fellas. Alright?” Phil pointed out to make sure he said it out loud. 

“Phil, you’re a total dilf but we’re not doing anything like that” Bobby assured with a charming warmth to his smile as Phil looked up at him. “A dilf?” Phil questioned, making them laugh. “Well, in this case more of a dilt” Lawrence added. “I know a lot of real estate terms but I’m not up on the hip new lingo here” Phil admitted, humoring the couple even more. “Dilf is just the male version of a milf but dilt is different” Lawrence started. “So what is…dilt?” “Dilt stands for dad I’d like to tickle” Bobby explained and stirred up a new expression on Phil’s face. “Tickle?? Seriously? That’s a thing??” Phil laughed. “Well, you are in what we’d planned to treat as our very own tickle dungeon so the title is pretty fitting” Bobby answered as Phil’s immobile arms over his head and secured legs began to make him feel more vulnerable, as if he’d overlooked how exposed he was from being focused on making the sale until that moment. 

“Ok, guys haha…this is very funny. You can let me up now” Phil laughingly announced. “Phil, we really like this house but we’re gonna need the price to come down. Are you willing to help us out with that?” Lawrence laid out as he and Bobby stood on either side of him. “Sure, yeah, I can negotiate…I can take 10 grand off the listing price right now” “You’re gonna have to do better than that, Phil” Bobby pointed out with a poke into his ribs, making Phil jerk the opposite direction only to realize how little he could. “Guys, come on…this is crazy!” Phil argued with more light laughter like surely they weren’t totally serious. 

“We know you have a say in how much it goes for and that you can talk the buyers down to less” Lawrence added with a wiggle into Phil’s neck, getting a giggly outburst from the family man. “OhohoKK! 15 off the listing price!” Phil offered. “You’re heading in the right direction but you’re gonna have to keep going” Bobby informed as two fingers from each hand separated themselves from the rest and started down toward Phil, making his eyes grow wide with realization as he watched. “Wait! Guys, come on, we can work something out!” “What do you think we’re doing?” Bobby questioned with a grin before landing in the exposed armpits and getting a taste for how ticklish the realtor really was. 

“WhahT? AAHAAHA!! NnOoHAOHOAHoAA!!” Phil exploded with wonderfully bubbly laughter pouring out of him as the four fingers wiggled around through his Oxford button-down. “Oh, man! He’s as ticklish as he looks” Lawrence laughed as he enjoyed watching his husband get a rise out of Phil. “AAhALLRRiiGGhhTT!! AohOHAohAJJUuSSTTSSTToHOHPpP! hAOhAOOhOHOKK!” “We’re listening” Bobby added while making deep circles in the base of Phil’s pits. “HohOhA18! 18 LLLEeESSSAHA!!” “You’re getting warmer” Lawrence pointed out as he put a single hand just above Phil’s knee, earning a flash of new panic on his face before it began squeezing up his leg through the black pants. 

“AAHAH!! NNOOAohaohA!! NnoOaoAOHA!! OohHMmYYyGGoODDAohA!! YYoOuUUAhACCAaANNnTT!!” Phil protested like it was too mean to tickle him in two places at once, like Bobby and Lawrence were reasonable enough to take it easy on him. “We can do just about anything we want right now, Phil” Lawrence answered as the one leg attack became two, hitting the lovable realtor with a double dose of electricity as another wave of squeezes began. “OoAOhOHAOhATThHiIISSiIiSSNnTTT AhAOAHAFFAAhaIiIRR!! IIicCAAnNNTTMMoOhOoVVEEE!” “That’s the point, Phil” Bobby enlightened with a glow to him as he gave Mr. Dunphy a taste of their favorite extracurricular activity. 

The black sleeves containing Phil’s arms and legs were too stiff to allow them to bend and the straps around said sleeves made sure those same arms and legs couldn’t interfere with whatever was going on with the person trapped in them. “Now, how about that price, Phil?” Lawrence questioned as he dominated the toned thighs with both hands. “AAHAohAAAOhOHOOK!! 20!! 20 tthHOOUuSsAANnDDOooOFF!!” “You’re holding out on us, Phil…you sure you wanna do that right now?” Bobby asked without leaving the terribly ticklish pits. “GGUuyYSSEeNnOoouGGhH!! AohAOhNNoOMMOoOREE TTiICCkKLLLiInNNGG!! LLLEeTtSSjJUUSSTtTAHAHALLKK!” “We can tickle and talk at the same time; don’t worry” Bobby assured before suddenly realigning his targets, opening a few buttons of Phil’s shirt and sneaking through to start tickling his stomach. 

“WooAoHAOhANnOHO! SSEErRRIIOoUSsLLYY!! AhAHAASSTtoHOHOHP!!” Phil argued as the same greedy fingers wiggled into his tan belly through the opening of his shirt, leaving him with a false sense of security with it still mostly on and tucked into his pants. “This house started out a little overpriced to begin with, don’t you think? I mean, it’s been on the market for a good while now…shouldn’t you be a little more willing to drop the price?” Lawrence suggested as he left the tender thighs and moved around toward the end of the table. “IImMOOoNNLLLYy AAARReEAAALLLTToORR NnOoOTTtThHEEAHAHA SSEEeHHLLLEERrR!!” Phil tried to explain as he squirmed on the table under Bobby’s relentless fingers. 

“Don’t give us that, Phil…we know you can make us the deal we want. Whether that’s making the call yourself or convincing the seller. We’re confident you’re the right guy to get us this house” Lawrence explained as he unlaced Phil’s dress shoes and popped them right off, making him try to look down to see for himself if what he’d felt was actually happening but couldn’t see around Bobby now teasing his happy trail area with fluttering fingers. “God I love sheer socks” Lawrence admitted as he eyed the thinly veiled 11s in front of him and buried his nose in one of Phil’s loafers for a hefty sniff. “YYoUuAhACCAAnNNhHAAVVEe TThHEEEMMM!! JJJuUSSTtSSToOpP TTiIcCKkLLIiNnGGMmEEEHE!” “Not really the kind of negotiating we’re looking for but I’ll keep that in mind” Lawrence answered with a specific appetite in his eye as Phil’s captive feet wiggled in place with nowhere to go. 

Despite the sock comment, Phil had quickly become too occupied with Bobby opening more buttons of his shirt to keep an eye on Lawrence until 10 scribbling fingers were all over the bottoms of his barely socked feet. “AAH!! AhAOhAohANNOOOH!! NNOoAOhAOhA!! SSTtOHOHPP!! PPPLLLEeEASSESE!!” erupted out of Phil with new horror on his face as his feet tried to get away but found an unnervingly little amount of room to move around, leaving them Lawrence’s to treat as he wanted. “You hear that, Law? You got a ‘please’ out of him” Bobby laughed. “Not everybody can hold out as long as you can” Lawrence answered as he clawed away at the supple soles fighting to escape him. The socks showed off how lean Phil’s feet were and how pink his soles were right out of the shoes, wildly reactive to Lawrence’s concentrated fingers having their way with them. 

“I could sit back and let Lawrence have you to himself but we do have a goal here…we want this house and we’re not backing down until it’s at a price that we like” Bobby explained, knowing that his husband could likely wear Phil down by himself after discovering his feet to be so ticklish but working together would likely speed up the process. “OHOhOOKK! OoHoHKK! 22! 22TTHhOUuSsAANnDDOoOFF!!” Phil offered as he writhed in the straps and sleeves and the pits of his shirt grew dark with sweat while his charmingly desperate laughter filled the basement. “Come on, Phil…you can do better than that” Bobby assured before poking into both sides of his ribs and getting a sharp expulsion of laughter. 

“Oh yeah…let’s keep that going” Bobby smiled as he continued up the ribs with one wiggling finger per side, instantly cranking Phil’s laughter up another notch as the new sensations combined with Lawrence’s sheer tickling to drive him that much crazier. “NooAOOH! NNOAOHAohAhAOHADDAAhAHAmMMiIITT!! NNOooHoAHMmOoORREE!!” Phil raged with a mouth wide open as the buttons for his laugh box were pressed over and over without a break. Bobby’s maddeningly patient technique of ascending his ribs and milking each spot he prodded made Phil want nothing more than to rip his arms from the sleeves holding them above his head and Lawrence’s steady scratching through the sheer socks was nothing short of evil. 

Bobby and Lawrence had been together long enough by now and had been indulging in their love of tickling as a couple for long enough to be able to practically read each other’s mind while they were at play. They knew each other’s specific taste and favorite places to tickle and Phil seemed to be scratching the right itch for them both despite this being more of a transactional tickling. Most of the guys they tickled, if it wasn’t one of them, shared their interest(s) and weren’t strangers to it all but Phil, the suburban real estate agent goofball of a dad with such a cookie cutter life, was very out of place in the bondage furniture and the kinky basement. Bobby and Lawrence could tell how much of a kick the other was getting out of the rare exchange and unfortunately for Phil, it only made their tickling more enthusiastic.

By the time Bobby reached the top of Phil’s ribs Mr. Dunphy’s uncontrollable smile and unending laughter had shaken his goal of what to sell the house for, ready to lose a few thousand on the commission if it meant ending the tickle trap he’d gotten himself into. “HhAOOOkOhoHAOKK!! PPLLEeEAASSE!! GGiIVvMMEEAAsSSEecCCoOOhNNDd!!” Phil begged and actually managed to convince the couple to stop. He was too nice of a guy to not feel at least a little guilty about tormenting. “What’s it gonna be, Phil?” Lawrence asked. “Listen, guys…I can only go down so much…the sellers are stubborn people…I can do 25 off…that’s a good deal, really!” Phil offered despite his realtor skills being a bit exhausted by the unusual amount of tickling. 

“Make it 30 thousand off and we have a deal” Bobby answered, surprising Phil. “That’s too much! They’ll never go for it. 275 is a good price for this kind of house in this neighborhood!” Mr. Dunphy tried to persuade as he gathered more of his composure. “We can tell you’re a good, reasonable guy, Phil. That’s obvious. We know you’re not trying to rip us off but we have a budget and we know what this house is worth. 270 is what we want” Lawrence laid out as they both looked down at Phil. “…you guys are killing me” Phil sighed like he wasn’t sure what to do, knowing he’d actually been given the green light by the buyers to go down more if needed but the realtor in him wanted to stick to his guns as much as he could. 

“How about we switch positions and see if we can’t help our new friend here change his mind” Bobby suggested as he walked around toward the end of the table and Lawrence moved upwards. “NO! No more tickling! We’re all adults here – this isn’t how you negotiate a listing price!” Phil protested with more struggles against the bondage keeping him in such a strict Y shape. “I think they call this ‘playing hardball’ in real estate, right?” Lawrence questioned as he wrapped his hands around Phil’s waist about the same time Bobby started peeling the sheer socks off, putting the friendly realtor on edge with anticipation until he was thrust back into bubbly hysterics once again. 

“WaaIaiTTOhaoAOhOHANNoAOhA!! YYOoUUGGuUYySSAHAHA!!” Phil let out with another stream of forced laughter as Lawrence squeezed into his hips like two claw machines and Bobby wasn’t only seconds behind him, instantly dialing up his reaction with raking fingers dragging down Phil’s bare feet. “NNOOOAoHAOhAOHA!! MMMEEERRCcCYYY!! AOhAOHANNOoHOHOAohAIIITTTSSTToOO TTiICCkKKLLLIIISShh!” Phil admitted like he never knew he could be tickled this much but his potential buyers didn’t back off. “I think you mean you’re too ticklish” Lawrence teased as his strong hands kneaded into Phil’s hips and flanks like pistons firing on repeat, even loosening his shirt until it was out of his pants and his lean upper body was on display with his tie still on around his collar. 

“Smooth feet, Phil…too bad for you” Bobby taunted as his short nails ravaged the middle-aged feet at his mercy, even switching to short bursts of scratches up and down both satin soles that seemed to get Phil even more. “IiiCCAAnNNTT DdooOAoAOHA30 OOoFFFAoHA!! CCOoHoMmEEOOONN!” “I know your seller is stubborn but so are we…we’re getting this house” Lawrence assured as he began moving up Phil’s helpless body until he landed at the armpits and gave them some skin-to-skin tickling, without the barrier of the shirt from before. “AAAAHAHA! NNOOHO!!” shot out of Phil with a violent uptick in his laughter once Lawrence’s fingers were dancing around in them, putting a bigger smile on his face. 

“Hey, Bobby, come help me up here…I think I’ve hit the jackpot” Lawrence announced, convincing Bobby to leave his position. “I thought his feet were the worst” Bobby proposed. “I’d give them 2nd place. Without the shirt, his pits are the real hot spots” Lawrence happily explained. “NO! Don’t listen to him! He’s wrong! Really!” Phil tried to convince with a halfhearted smile like he was still a bit in seller mode. “Nah, Law’s pretty good at zeroing in on a guy’s worst spots. You should’ve seen him when he found my thighs” Bobby answered as he and Lawrence stood on either side of Phil. 

“Guys, I already told you my lowest price! I can’t go down anymore!” Phil tried to reiterate. “We’ll see about that…” Lawrence answered rather confidently as he and Bobby made quick eye contact before squatting down on either side of him and Phil’s head bobbed back and forth like a fish being circled by two sharks. “NO! Leave my pits alone! Please, we can figure this out!” Phil desperately tried to deter but couldn’t stop both men from leaning closer and hitting him with yet another surprise. “AAAAAHH!! AoHoHoOHAOhOAHNnoOhOHAOAOhA!! SSTTToHOHAAOHPP!!” Phil squealed with wide-eyed shock and overstimulation as their tongues and mouths tickled his painfully exposed armpits like nothing he’d ever experienced. 

The wet sensation of the tongues flicking and slinking around combined with the slurping action when their lips got involved made Phil’s naked toes curl at one end of the table and his hands turn into fists at the other end while he shrieked and laughed like a lunatic. But the horrendous armpit lickling was quickly met with more torture when their hands got involved, with two wiggling and poking down his sides and the others teasing his neck. “AAHAHANNOOOAOHAOHA!! OHOhMMYYGGOOODDAOhAOHA!! PPLLEEAASSEE!! AOHAOHAOHANNOOOHOHMMOORREAOHAA!!” Phil had never sounded so off his rocker, uniquely wrecked by the tongues lapping around in his hyper-sensitive pits and the 20 fingers plaguing his sides in perfect synch and spidering around his neck until his head had jerked his hair into a wild look. 

“HAOHOOKOoHOHOKK!! YYoOuouUWWIIIINNN!!” Phil soon surrendered after the fourth wave of goosebumps and when he thought he’d pee himself right there on the table, the breathless submission enough to convince the couple to stand up and address him again. “So, 30 thousand off the listing price, right?” Bobby checked as Phil caught his breath and his tingly armpits welcomed the relief of not being eaten out. “Yes…yes, 30 thousand off…Jesus Christ…that was horrible” Phil admitted with exhausted defeat. “Hell yeah!” Lawrence cheered with a high five over Phil to Bobby. “I have the paperwork in the car…congratulations on your new home” Phil added, still with a tiny bit of that Phil Dunphy charm left in him after being tickled into the deal. 

Two weeks later Claire was taking a casserole out of the oven when she noticed her husband about to walk out the door. “Where are you going? I just made dinner” “Oh, I’m headed over to Bobby and Lawrence’s for a game night” “The couple who you sold that house to recently? You’re friends with them?” “Yeah, we just kind of hit it off during the showing and the buying process” “So, you’re going to a couple’s house for game night without your wife?” Claire questioned like she was confused. “Yeah; it’s just a guy’s thing. Drink a few beers, play a few rounds of pool, have some laughs…nothing crazy. Oh, but if you try to call me and I don’t answer, I may be kind of tied up with something. I’ll try to keep an ear out though” “Sure, honey. Go have fun with your new friends” “I’m sure I will!”